How to Mutate and Take Over the World

Book excerpt: OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS FOR AN EXPLODED POST-NOVEL This is not a novel. Don't think you can just hold your nose and jump into this. You might get boiled or vaporized. Anodized. THIS IS NOT A NOVEL Before you start reading an exploded post-novel, you should think strategy. While we do recommend reading this book from front to back--left to right--you can skip around as you please. It is disguised as a scrapbook. You can channelsurf it. Or graze through sections, munch munch munch. After you acquire the taste, you'll feel strong enough to start at the beginning and read through to the end, in precisely that order. Don't take too much at one sitting. Do not overdose. It's dense, fast. Things get technical. There's a relentless quality to the first-person narrative that may exhaust you secondhand. Read only until the vertigo overwhelms you. When you find yourself crying out, "For god's sake, give it a break!!!." . . well, exactly. Put the book down. . . gently. Rest. Watch TV. Read Ben Is Dead. Go somewhere watery and lie in the hard radiation. Read a nonexploded novel. Take up crime. Then. . . Read a little at a time. Swallow it slowly like creme br-lee. Or hold it in your cheek like Copenhagen Smokeless. But do not rush. If you go slowly enough, by the time you're done, the made-for-TV movie will be out. Starring Steven Seagal as R. U. Sirius and Whoopi Goldberg as St. Jude.