Sex, Death, and Tantra: How Sex Changed My Life After Death

Book excerpt: My worst fear happened. My husband of 15 years left our 6 year old daughter downstairs watching ET, kissed me, and left to walk the dog. He never came home. He was hit by a car and was killed. He was 39. Sex, Death and Tantra is the story of my first years as a single, gay, widower, dad, embracing my grief, parenting a grieving child, attending to her educational, social, emotional needs, all while trying to create a wholly new life for myself. Tantra? While intense and wildly pleasurable sex is a part of Tantra, it is not Tantra. Tantra is a set of principles and practices (most of which are not sexual) which transcends the self. For decades I sought a marriage of sex and spirituality yet these practices seemed to exclude gay men. The year prior to Zachary's death, we met Ken and began our study of tantra with him. Ken was a successful psychotherapist who taught tantra to gay men. He had a separate erotic healing practice where he used tantra, eroticism, and sex to help men do profound emotional, psychological healing work. He was a father. He was a husband. He was a sacred whore. Tantra is not an easy path. Zachary and I each dealt with painful psychological and emotional issues as we deepened our spiritual selves, our erotic knowledge and experience. It was also sexy and fun. I got a taste of how sex--highly pleasurable, conscious sex--can be a pathway towards healing, personal growth, and spiritual awakening. Feeling lost and afraid, sitting in the hospital with Zachary's wrecked lifeless body, I called Ken. And we began our journey together. We explored grief--my grief-- using tantra as our foundation. From that day forward, Ken and I met most days at 5AM before my daughter awoke, for tea, meditation, erotic practices, and conversation. I credit him with saving my life after Zachary's sudden death. Sex, Death, and Tantra is not only a story about love and loss, but one of optimism and healing. Reminiscent of Spanbauer's The Man Who Fell In Love WIth The Moon, my story chronicles an uncommon, radical, application of Tantra which transcends gender and orientation. My story is real, raw, erotic, and emotional. While this is not a definitive tantra text, many tantric principles and practices are brought to light.