The World of Football According to Athletico Mince

Book excerpt: For the first book inspired by their wildly popular podcast, Bob Mortimer and Andy Dawson considered producing an authoritative guide to the past, present and future world of football. But, as in the podcast, they got a bit side-tracked - as well as bringing you some (more or less) completely genuine football facts, Bob and Andy speculate about the lifestyle of baked bean-loving, yellow snake-owning ex-England boss Steve McClaren, and investigate the 'Gangs of the EPL', where football meets infantile bullying. There's also input from the Secret Soccer Superstar - a former player who lifts the lid on what it's really like to be a top, top pro - and the lyrics from some of Bob's most memorable Scottish songs, so that you can sing them to your children, elderly relatives or, indeed, yourself, should you need to be soothed after learning about Robson Green's Extreme Bangers. In summary, it's a bit of a mess - but - it's a beautiful, glorious, hilarious mess... and if you're not reduced to at least one convulsion while reading it, Bob and Andy are going to be very disappointed with you. In fact, they might come round to your house and force you to KISS THE ALDERMAN. 'If you like football but despair of its endless, humourless self- importance, you'll love this.' THE GUARDIAN The secret behind Sunderland's recent run of good form has been Howard Wilkinson's unique pre-match team talks, according to an insider. 'They take the form of riddles' says an unnamed player. 'For instance, before our recent hard-fought draw at Anfield, he simply stood up and said "I am fowl but not a bird, I am loud but seldom heard, I am rich but have no clothes, I am stooped but am not old. What am I?"' 'You could have heard a pin drop. After that we just had to get out on the pitch and defend for our lives for ninety minutes.'