Watching the Wheels

Book excerpt: A collection of wisdom, humor, and tasteless remarks from Vanderbilt University's House Organ magazine: . Every morning when I would leave for work, he would give me the saddest look he could muster. If you know anything about beagles, you know that this is the canine equivalent of the death scene from Camille. When a beagle wants to look sad, he can roll his big brown droopy eyes up at you and pull his ears back, and you will do anything to make him happier. In fact, many beagles earn top commissions in the sales field by giving customers that sad look until they crack and buy whatever the beagle is selling. "I'll buy anything," the customers cry, throwing money at the beagle, "just stop looking at me like that!" . The voice-mail mantra, "Your call is very important to us" is always a lie. If my call were actually important to you, you would answer the phone instead of putting me on hold and playing an orchestral version of the old Buoys hit "Timothy." A portion of all profits from the sale of this book goes to the Jade Pasley Patient and Family Assistance Fund of the Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center.