The Lord of the Ring Dings

Book excerpt: Bobbits were generally not large but Filbo Daggins was larger and stranger than most and people in the Shire often said so. “I say, that Filbo is large,” said one. “Yes, that Filbo is larger and stranger than most,” said another. That evening Filbo would be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday. On their birthday, it was customary among the Bobbits to give gifts to other people. There was much grumbling in the Shire that Filbo usually gave presents such as gift certificates to stores nobody could find. . . . In The Lord of the Ring Dings, Sam and Dodo must overcome the evil Lord Sorehead, the nasty Sorry-Man, and a host of product placements to reach Door-Door and destroy the Ring Ding of Power. It's like The Lord of the Rings movies except the budget is much lower. Oregon courts Liv Tyler and Gimpley the dwarf woos the ladies of Middling-earth (both of them). The Elvis lend a hand, providing the travelers with the traditional Elvis food of meatloaf and fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Gandolf is around as well, but his spells generally don't work well and he forgets things a lot. And, of course, there's Jollum, the weird creature who will stop at nothing to get his hands on the precious Ring Ding. ADVANCE PRAISE for The Lord of the Ring Dings: “This book really nails it. It tells what really happened.” – Aragorn, King of Gondor “I thought my part could have been bigger.” – Arwen, Queen of Gondor “Although I am a wizard I never would have predicted such a fine book. Wait, that sounds cheesy. No, don't write that down.” – Gandalf, a wizard “I thought the portrayal of my great, great grand uncle was unfair. For example, he didn't like fish that much.” – Johann Sméagol III, Gollum's great, great grand nephew “I really wish there were more women in the story, or anywhere.” – Gimli, son of Glóin “I think I was much cooler in the movie, but in the book I was still pretty cool.” – Legolas “We no portrayed fair. Me no like.” – Gorkran, an Orc